Jan 1, 2014, 6:00 AM EST
We can now say goodbye to 2013 (something I have a hunch plenty of Nationals fans are happy to do) and say hello to 2014 (something I’m sure plenty of you out there are ready to do).
With that in mind, I’ve once again managed to get my hands on all the New Year’s resolutions from Nationals players, front-office execs and others associated with the franchise. Many thanks, as always, to my unnamed source for providing these classified documents to me in the name of journalism and the public’s right to know.
Here we go…
BRYCE HARPER: Look before you leap.
STEPHEN STRASBURG: Pitch 200 innings.
RYAN ZIMMERMAN: Start working in that first baseman’s mitt so it will be good and ready in 2015.
JAYSON WERTH: Whatever that was you did from July through September, keep on doing it.
IAN DESMOND: Whatever that was you did the last two seasons, keep on doing it.
JORDAN ZIMMERMANN: If presented with a fair, long-term contract offer from the Nationals before Opening Day, sign the dotted line. If not, pitch even better this year and force them to pay you even more.
ADAM LAROCHE: Recognizing this might be it for you, go put together the best season you’ve got in you and hope it ends in a champagne bath come October.
WILSON RAMOS: Catch 125 games, don’t spend one day on the DL.
DENARD SPAN: Get on base 40 times per month.
DANNY ESPINOSA: Recognize the situation, embrace the idea of becoming a utilityman and spend the whole year back in the big leagues.
GIO GONZALEZ: Try your best not to conduct any more interviews that include the phrase: “I felt like I was making love to my hand.”
ROSS DETWILER: Make 30 starts and prove once and for all you can be counted upon as a quality, major-league starter.
DOUG FISTER: Take the entire Nats infield out for a nice dinner at spring training. You’re gonna want these guys on your side all year.
RAFAEL SORIANO: Memorize this scene from Seinfeld.
DREW STOREN: Get one of your Stanford buddies to develop a memory wipe program that lets you forget anything that happened in 2013.
MATT WILLIAMS: If given the choice of either saying “World Series or Bust” or not saying “World Series or Bust” … don’t say “World Series or Bust.”
MIKE RIZZO: Don’t let Jordan Zimmermann or Ian Desmond so much as get a whiff of free agency.
TED LERNER: Keep enough cash stashed away in the emergency fund for a significant July 31 acquisition if needed. Oh, and if given the choice of either asking the District of Columbia for a $300 million retractable roof or not asking the District of Columbia for a $300 million retractable roof … don’t ask the District of Columbia for a $300 million retractable roof.
BUD SELIG: Just step in already and do something to resolve the most ludicrous TV rights deal in MLB. (NOTE: This resolution has no chance of coming true.)
MARK ZUCKERMAN: Do a better job coming up with story ideas so I don’t have to resort to writing yet another lame New Year’s resolutions post in 2015. (NOTE: This resolution has no chance of coming true.)
ON THE RADIO
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TUE: 2:30 p.m.
WED: 4:30 p.m.
THU: 2:30 p.m.
FRI: 1:30 p.m., 5:30 p.m.
SAT: 10:30 a.m.
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